Rediscovered Mar 19, 2020 Thinking of one of my sweethearts from years years ago. Found this as one of our last exchanges. Realizing, stumbling on this one, these love notes I write? I write for me – that poor suffering tenderheart 😭😭🤣🤣🤣
Jan 8, 2015 I just had the sweetest dream of my life. I tend to write down my vivid dreams (when I have less control of them) as a lucid dreaming exercise so this was no exception.
It happened to be my first dream of you.
And that’s why (and of course) I’m sharing. Don’t worry – nothing sordid 😉
We were in a natural reserve sort of place. The dormitory had two twin beds
I was sitting cross-legged on the one against the wall enjoying the light when you came in.
It wasn’t a surprise – it was as if I was expecting you.
You ended up somehow draping yourself across my lap, your body facing mine, your head near my right shoulder propped by your left elbow and your feet hanging off the edge
You were dressed as if you were about to go train for something. Your uniform was sporty. Hot pink basketball shorts, baggy, American style, with hot pink trainers (is that what you call your sneakers?). White shirt. All made of that same material that allows athletic bodies to breathe.
We were talking. You were smiling. And then you pulled out a map. Presumably you were studying a patch of the reserve. It was a parallelogram of trees marked off by an orange highlighter. And very precisely which amused me. “Not one tree more would you study,” I remarked and you laughed. I don’t remember what else was said but our exchange was gentle and spirited like how we are together.
Somehow in the sequence of this, when you leave, there is a letter for me. It came up what I imagine a few hours earlier in a completely different set of dreams, where in the midst of a party, I see an email from you pop up that I couldn’t get to. Here, it took the form of a typed letter, and as I read it, I could hear your voice as if you were reading it to me or no one in particular. Felt like a quiet declaration. There was all of a sudden a beach with wet sand, a bottle’s mouth cresting at the surface, maybe a shell and something I couldn’t identify – all three buried in a straight line. As you read, I understood you acknowledged some regard for me but wanted to be alone, felt you had to be alone. It was beautiful and simple and heartbreaking for me. Not a surprise. Nor disappointing as I’ve been trying to tell you I understand. I think I just needed to hear some acknowledgement, however small, of a meaningful exchange. I think I had heard it from you already but it didn’t hit my brain till now. Anyhow, the way the mind can be gentle and offer grace months later is bewildering sometimes.
As I was waking I imagined you back in my arms, and as you were inevitably receding, I was fighting to remember how you were laying, your smiling face, and not wanting you to fade
My tears made my pillow wet. I’m such a weepy monster. But hey, it was my sweetest dream 😉