(only compounded by like-socialization of other systemic violences)
CW Sexual Assault/ Rape
prefacing testimony, an excerpt from reflection by Nodeos Sully
“Did you act in integrity to her humanity? Did you act in a way that took every care not to harm her? Did you act in way that you made sure to know and respect her desires, needs, and wants?
It’s not about consent. It’s not even about intent. I believe most men when they say they didn’t intend to rape because when they say that, what they are actually revealing is that they just didn’t care enough about women to bother with the question of whether they were harming or not. Our humanity isn’t a factor they consider.”
to which I offer:
this is not about sex alone. this socialization of toxic patriarchal masculinity and grooming begins early. in every aspect of life. grooming all of us to play a part. that’s why people who are dehumanized are treated as disposable, erasable, ok to not believe. it is a terrible psychic violence we all are groomed to accept. and perpetuate.
nervous and trying not to self-censor as I write this. I think it is important people understand misogynist social conditioning and how it is connected to grooming people socialized as femme to actually accept assault and all kinds of daily violence.
i was unwell
i went home with him
i didn’t resist
i stayed the night
my body froze and dissociated when he said something veiled and threatening
something about doing bodily harm
something that orientalized me
i was afraid to have to struggle physically
to have it be worse
to go home with bruises
not go home at all
to have him escalate so police would have to be involved
to have to admit i let him rape me
who would believe me anyways
i’d had years and years to learn
I told him after I didn’t say yes
I told him after it was not consensual
he tried forcing me again in the morning
that truth I spoke earlier gave me just enough agency that I could stop this time and allowed me the power to be able to finally leave
there’s a hosting that some of us are socialized to do
no matter the circumstances
some of us are taught our bodies are for others’ pleasure
there’s a weird entitled touching that happens by strangers that some of us are socialized to accept from strangers so it is difficult to tell when lines are being crossed
some of us are not taught to say no
some of us are not encouraged to defend ourselves. and when we do, we are socialized to stop.
some of us are socialized to be accepting of violence. some even by the systems and people who nourish us.
some of us are socialized to be a very obedient and defer to other people’s needs over ours
some of us are socialized to give up power.
I don’t believe in the incarceral system as it stands
I don’t think it really does anything and actually often ends up punishing the victim
I think in the world we live in it is more important for me to do this truth work as i have been put on this earth to do
Through writing art and theater. through helping shape the culture so one day today we can defiantly and gently live the worlds we know can be
it took me till I was in my late thirties to realize this happened to me almost in escalating iterations multiple times for many years though this particular incidence finally crossed the line in a way that shattered the illusion I was taught to believe in to perceive the reality and no longer be able to cover it up – no longer deny the violence.
we shouldn’t have to be special victims
we shouldn’t be blamed by the people closest to us (you went home with him, you pick terrible partners, you brought this on yourself)
i’m so happy i’m over these nefarious messaging
thanks mostly in part to the survivor community
and though we continue to struggle
ultimately we struggle for liberatory ways to just be our full selves
love note to other survivors reading:
we may not have the capacity able to hold each other, but please know i stand with you