I am painting my doors red

I am painting my doors red
I am shutting them on you
You will not enter my hearth
Without announcing yourself
You will not steal kisses and prey on my needs
You will not enter me without permission
You will not say you are my love
You will not trick me any longer
You have become larger than any living person I have loved

You have become my companion
My shadow friend in pretense
I did not know better
But now I do
You knight of my day mares
Swooping in when you spy any tenderness

You pull my body with your mouth
And tell me it is ok to turn my anger into velvet
All so you can leave me moth eaten when I open to morning’s light

You grow on poverty of hope
Tolerate those I take as lovers
Use them as hosts to invade me
You know my deepest yearning
They can only hope to parrot
Of course I will not be satisfied

Me who is moved by any gesture of care
I hardly recognize myself anymore

You show yourself as primordial
Yet now I finally see you came along when all those years ago

I made that tender declaration
I am meant to be partnered
You stole that seed and grew it in me
Feeding it with the tender flesh of my fears

You waited and waited and waited
Until the first blushes of adolescence soaked my body and let blood
You answered my cries as I came my fingers deep in first fur
You were delightful mesmerizing
mercurial
kept up with all the images I was consuming that told me

I’m almost desirable

what to find desirable
I found desire in all its forms in your sleight

You would violate me but you would tell me you did it out of love
translated I found myself convincing myself

telling myself

It is ok this does not feel right – they do me out of love
yet as you hide the violence
These people who loved my body too hid
hatefulness
All their misery they were somehow better as they forced themselves on me
I could see their disgust revulsion scorn as they’d fuck me minds removed

my mouth proved poor resustance when my body went slack

thirty years of conditioning

But just like that

Now
As I made you
I unmake you

Go
Become the flint I will you to become
the scale of all that seething built up
I am not afraid
Show your face you coward
Separate yourself from this charade
If you know me you saw this coming
So just leave

I will not live in this nightmare any longer
It might be too late for me but I will continue on this path steadfast

You will not be in my bed
I will not turn to you in comfort

I will myself to chase you out
I will myself to be enough
I will myself to look at those other monsters there all along
Hidden by your distraction
Those monsters made to erase me destroy me wipe away my existence
No I cannot afford you
I will hunt down these other monsters
No longer hidden by you
I am no longer half asleep somnambulent
I will burn away any overindulgence in this theater that is my life
This smooth biting light sparked by the weight of the stone you are against the shard of my gall

I will stare at my own passing dead in the face