Reclaiming DeSirE

Fighting to belong as an othered person keeps me self policing desire in myself

which keeps me policing the expression of affection

I have internalized that to desire to yearn is to betray myself and thus those whom I love

It began with me self silencing from singing.

ever since moving here i can remember my father singing along to songs by Mariah and Peabo Bryson – broadcast by soft rock stations

what didn’t escape me is the yearning for physical affection transmitted by these songs

they were respite these songs they were escape they promised a future of finally desiring and receiving affection

I am realizing now that in order to reclaim desire even combat normalized violence

i must ground into these love songs

Just like a meditation

I must sing so i can do the other things

It doesn’t mean i only have to be soft

But it does mean

When i go hard

I have an anchor so I can find my way back

And if ever there were conduits to reclaim my desire

Aren’t they Peabo most certainly… Prince?

And my papa ?

then I sang a couple numbers, one from Peabo, one from Prince