A birthday letter

On June 18, 2013 by pampi

Oy! To wake up an adult WOmxn these days

To wake up with these thoughts:
To be more closely integrated to the child I used to be than ever before in my life. To believe the illusions of the world work to move us away from that child spirit we used to be and honor as our life’s work the search to rediscover that spirit and become close to it again.

In even being able to think about this, to also affirm and acknowledge that I have become the person I am today due to a bounty of care and love I receive daily. I am one lucky girl to be one of the very few to have had a happy childhood. Many children have no childhood, often compounded with terrible abuse. I thank my lucky stars to have been brought into this world by the parents that I have.

Security is an amazing effort of will, dedication, labor of love and sheer luck. Though I am slow on the upkeep of providing myself with security, I have core people in my life who provide me this. I am grateful to them for allowing me to be. I can make my way in this world because others help me hold down this fragile fort that looks more like a whimsical tent.

This puts in mind all the wonderful people who move through this world knowing themselves, some a good ten years younger than me. To seek them out. They tell stories of possibility. They tell stories of adventure. They tell stories that captivate. They tell stories of can-do! They are our path finders.

And due to all this security, I have been able to think. Reflect. Be joyful. So I can move the heavy mountain my heart becomes at times.

Everyone battles monsters every day. Mine is a moody gremlin that kept me mired for a decade. I have had to restructure my life so I can live with this little monster. Fighting with myself, I realized I need a lot of sun and rest. That when I work, I work hard. That I work best for myself. And somehow need to care for that tender girl inside me. Bad childhood or not, as adults we need to embrace growth – herein lies the fountain of youthful vitality. There is less suffering when we take hold of the reigns. No excuses.

Most importantly today, I am figuring out a way to work for myself viably. And in partnership with a best friend and a group of comrades. And might this experiment flop? Might I be humbled in a few months time and find myself back at an office desk? Absolutely. I think about this. But not constantly. Which means I have a lot of hope that this will work out some how.

To know now and embrace: When we finally own ourselves, how can we not lead spirited lives? I embrace now: I was put on this earth to create spectacles as a means to break through life’s illusions in order to reveal spaces for reflection – and to do so through temple dance and song. I was put on this earth to bring people together over dinners and wild dancing. I was put on this earth to learn how to hug those near and dear and recognize love. I was put on this earth to cry the tender things I feel and to learn how to care for myself. I was put on this earth to love and be loved deeply.

I am ready.
Happy birthday to me.
pampi k e

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